Truth

I am lusting to blog. I missed sharing my food and thoughts. I think that moving into a really good place recently in a spiritual and physical manner has allowed me to come back to certain enjoyments I had left behind. So this is me. The ever evolving creature, I do love change.

Recently I have been challenging myself to be fearless in my posts and actions. Typically I feel that I am true to who I am but slightly holding back. So I am letting that go. I have been posting a lot of images on instagram lately that I normally would not for fear of showing too much or being too bold. Then I realized that in order to be the best of who I am, I have to get out of my own way and be bare and raw and beautiful. So I have challenged

myself. Whatever image that speaks to me, I create. I post unapologetically. Sometimes I make people uncomfortable but that is for them to delve into why another person brings up feelings. I am on my own journey and I plan to do not harm and only share love and kindness but sometimes I am not nice and I swear when I should listen and I fight when I should surrender. I am learning. This is my evolution. My physical strength and flexibility keep growing because I am becoming more flexible in my mind and sturdy in who I am. It is all connected.

Spicy Cilantro Orange Chicken

Spicy Cilantro Orange Chicken

This past week I have fallen in love with nourishment again. Finally! I always strive to fuel my body but some times the time/preparation/shopping factor becomes too much. Having three kids and a busy schedule does make life daunting at times. But my inspiration and love of color has never left me completely. It was the first ripe persimmon of the year I picked, the vivid color and deliciously sweet flavor that did something to me.

Here is the recipe and please keep in mind I never measure, I throw things in a pan so this is all just estimates. Taste as you cook! Or go with it, you never know.

3-4 chicken thighs

4 oranges

3-4 Orange and yellow carrots

1 cup(ish) french beans

1/2 onion

1 jalapeno

2 spicy peppers of your choice. Something pretty.

1 green pepper

2 stalks of green onions

Cilantro to taste

Soya Sauce

Sweet Chili Sauce (TJ's)

Coconut Oil

Cook your chicken thighs and use 1 tbsp coconut oil. I cook mine until they are not quite cooked all the way so when I put them back in with the meal they are perfectly juicy and not overcooked.

Drain fat and set aside your chicken. Once cooled remove any excess fat if you like.

Add 1 tsp coconut oil into a clean sauce pan (I use a deep sided sauté pan) and throw in your hot pepper and jalapeños and onion. Saute until onion is almost clear. Throw in your chopped carrots and add in the juice of your oranges. Add in some soya sauce and sweet chili sauce and allow these all so cook for a few minutes together. Add in french beans, green pepper and chicken. Check the flavor to ensure you have enough orange juice, soya sauce and sweet chili sauce. Allow this to cook few just a few minutes. Put the green onion in about 1 minute before you are ready to eat. Once plated add your cilantro and enjoy!

Mindful Monday

It's been a long hiatus from my blogging but the last few weeks I have been getting the itch to write. It tends to be in the midst of struggle that I need a 'safe' place to discuss what is misleading my mind. I don't know that there is a wright or wrong place to discuss these sorts of issues but this seems to be the most appropriate way for me right now.

First of all I am brought here because of the courage of my friends. I have witnessed such candid responses to human struggles lately that I cannot help but feel a sense of freedom in knowing that speaking up connects us and frees us.

I keep coming to a place of full acceptance of myself and others. I enjoy a few weeks or months in this place with the ability to manage my energy, my emotions, my disrupts of harmony. But then the nasty girl shows up again. It's as if a stranger steps into my home and walks with muddy shoes on my currently clean floors. She eats all my food, doesn't clean up after herself and reminds me what a waste of time and existence I am. She is convincing. And suddenly here I am thinking ill of people I once thought so highly of. I am seeing anger and discontent rather than a sense of whole. I am torn apart once again. Right now I am that girl and I don't like her. I don't want to accept this ugly stranger into my home. So I do what I can to lift my vibrations. I go to yoga, I spend time with people who love and accept me. I run 9 miles just to show my previous self I can. I put on my fake smile and continue on with the grinding sensation of feeling worthless. What good is a person who drags down the world with discontent and disharmony.

But. Who am I not to crawl out of this darkness and love the light and the dark, the ying and the yang. Why is this girl so evil. I suppose it's because I have accepted that I do not accept her. And that is what needs to change. 

My friend shared this incredible post today about coming from a place of gratitude. I try to do this but for some reason this article really hit a spot for me. I have been looking outside myself to feel worthwhile and appreciated and yet here I am having no appreciation for the kickass person I have worked 32 years to be.

http://www.yogajournal.com/article/philosophy/selfless-gratitude/

To my friends who live life with this sense of dis-ease I want you to know you are not alone. You are whole. You are loved and complete and worthwhile. You shine even when you are in the shadows and this feeling will pass. Practice gratitude, breathe, move and surround yourself with unconditional love. Maybe it won't fix the feeling today but maybe bit by bit you will feel strength in knowing we are where we need to be. We get strong by being challenged. Finding a way to live in grace and ease in the midst of dismay is a lifelong practice. So here is your chance.

Today I am having a warm fuzzy party with my children. This is a celebration of kindness. 

Katie

Cracked Open

When I decided to open my heart to become the Open Heart Yogi I knew it would involve a great deal of soul searching. To be fully open to pain and love and all that comes with truly allowing life inward. It was not until this past weekend that the full truth of this new version of me has really come to fruition.

During training this past weekend we did many exercises in opening up to trust and sharing. We were required to dig deep and be truthful with even ourselves. Now, I have read others speak about this moment. The moment where they are asked to divulge their inner most hidden pain. To be honest I thought it would be a cake walk. After all the therapy and soul searching I have done in my life, I thought I knew where my hurt lay. Until I was asked to write it down. One of our trainers said "You know that thing that you really do not want to write down, that your trying to avoid right now...thats the thing. Write it down."

In that moment I began to break down. The truth bubbled up into my heart and my throat until the tears began to fall in buckets. I took myself to a corner where I stared at my paper for at least 20 minutes. I knew what I needed to write, I just never wanted to put pen to paper. I wanted to keep that inside. But what is the point of opening my heart if when shit gets real all I do is close it up again.

I left the room. I took a moment to be a wreck and freak out and do whatever I needed to do. I went back in. I wrote it down.

Later on we were asked to stand in the center and share these words. I stood there for what felt like eternity. When the words finally came out it hurt so much to say them, but all the tears and love being poured around me from my yoga family made that moment bearable. I have no regrets, it needed to come out.

After class I was in despair. This stuff that comes up is just at the top of me, and I have no way to deal with it. I just see it. I feel heavy and burdened and sore. My eyes burn, my heart aching and my truth spoken into the universe. But what now?

Yesterday we arrived back in class. I have had the night to mull over this turmoil which kept me up all night. Getting up at 5:30am was somewhat of a relief because I could stop trying to sleep. As I made my way into class I knew it was a day I would need to face head on. This is heart chakra week. The middle of training, half way to the finish line. The time where I see how hard things are and begin to give up or stop trying. I doubt myself, my capability and I see myself as not worthy. Well, its half way and I am still standing.

Practice began. After the night of opening our souls, this practice seemed to be filled with hip and heart openers. This being the most raw I have felt in both centers it was difficult emotionally while I felt physically like goliath. I am so strong and capable. I can do this all. The things that seemed impossible a year ago are necessary to keep me moving through my breath. As we hit our edge, fully dripping with sweat and dead on the floor trying to regain control of our breath....we moved into something I will never forget. Our teacher asked us to put our block on the middle setting between our shoulder blades. Knees out wide and feet together. To let our chest open, head fall back and surrender. This is the most vulnerable position I can fathom. For me. I couldn't shelter my heart, not one inch. I couldn't fight to roll my shoulders in to protect me with a block spreading my chest bare. I couldn't hide from the truth and I couldn't ease the fall. I was cracked open. Flashes of my past I have never remembered before starting hitting me like thunder bolts. Images of the beautiful little girl free and happy....and suddenly overweight in a flash and becoming the comedian to cope. The stuff that I trapped so far down that no amount of thought could bring up was now forced out of my being where I had hidden it so deep...in my physical being. I stayed here, weeping uncontrollably and as the memories became too much I literally choked. I couldn't breath, I almost screamed in pain in the middle of this silent moment surrounded by yogis. I collapsed onto my side in fetal position shaking and heaving. Even after class ended and all the people had wandered away I just lay shaking in pain.

Eventually I mustered up the courage to wipe myself off the floor, my sacred mat that held me so safely through this moment. I packed up my bags, changed out of my wet clothes and left. I got into my truck without any certainty as to what to do next. I cant go home. I cant go back. I cant take this pain. And I checked my phone. It was my best friend. He had sent me a message right then. He said how beautiful fall is and its his favorite time of year. I wrote back....I agreed. I told him I was struggling without giving details. He told me we have both been through such shitty stuff...I could do this. I could go back and come out of this strong. I believed him.

I went back. Despite my anger and hate and sadness and I did it. I gave all I could to support my yoga family....I cant hold back that love from them. It filled me up. It brought out my joy. From the darkness I found the light. With my open heart I left that day happy.

Expectations

Recently on a trip to Canada I met up with one of my cousins I had not seen in a few years and had the joy of meeting her new baby. It is always refreshing to see family and chat over the happenings of the times between seeing them. Funny how life can be summed up quickly and you can get a little overall picture of the years past. Anyways, while discussing motherhood with my cousin she mentioned something wonderful about expectations. I have read and heard many people discuss removing expectations about yourself and others to bring more peace and enjoyment to life but the application of this way of thinking has not really moved into use in my life, until now. The way she described it was such a joy. I asked her how her baby was sleeping at night. She said that its different each night. She goes to bed with no expectations regarding how much or little sleep she might have. She gives her son what he needs. If he sleeps, great! If not, thats ok too. This shift of not limiting herself or her child to rules and expectations brings so much happiness to me. This ability to just be open completely to the needs of her baby without holding things like resentment for lack of sleep, for example, is eye opening. I was left with this new understanding of my cousin and complete admiration for her ability to go with the flow. She is a happy woman. Her baby is happy. I was so honored to witness it.

A shift

As summer draws to an end I am finding this funny in between area. I spent most of the Spring and Summer in full celebration mode. Hard work, friends, life, family all had me buzzing on a high and the ride was so fantastic and I absorbed every moment of the joy. As fall approaches and many things are beginning to change in the lives of people I love most, there is a big shift happening. This in between place had me confused and feeling stuck, until I lifted my own walls of 'stuck' to allowing fully the movement of life to unfold naturally. How many times do we stop the inevitable because we are not ready. I know anger, resentment, rigidity and lack of respect have imposed my mind to find places to be stuck many times over. Being open to change is scary. I feel like a cat clawing at the carpet as my owner tows me to the vet. I know something is coming but I do not know what and even if its good for me I am not ready. Well. I am. I am ready with openness to open, to be present right here and now. In this moment I choose to be thoughtful of my tongue and the words I speak. I choose to tread lightly on my expanding mind without hindering my ability to function life. I choose to speak kindness and soften the bitterness I have too often accepted from my tongue. I choose to look with curiosity rather than assumptions. I choose love of this moment over fear.

I have been reading in preparation for school which starts in one week. It is my yoga training and I am thoroughly preparing myself to not allow expectations to set into my mind of myself or others. I am going into this experience to experience it. I have never done it before. It is new. Each moment is new. Isnt that funny. Its this awareness I am practicing. To notice why my mind thinks something. I choose to not judge myself, and again look with curiosity. I can move forward with the ability to stick to this practice. Notice. Observe. Do not judge. Give. 

This past week I spent time looking over the things I love. Things being objects I like and enjoy. Clothing and beautiful things I have for my children. They are not serving any purpose in my life, or my families life. I am letting them go. It felt so good to just send love off in the mail. Another thing I thought about is I have made choices in the past of who I give to and if they are deserving. What I have learned is that this is not a healthy way to give. Giving something, material or not, can be given with love, without expectation and without judgement. We are all deserving. We are all in need of something, and giving that 'something' to others feels so good. It is good to give.

I read a fantastic tidbit that shifted my thinking. It comes from the book The Yamas & Niyamas and it speaks in regards to God. The story tells of God making a terrible mistake with creating humans because they will forever be talking and asking things of him. He decides after some deliberation to hide within each human so he won't be found. This story allowed me to see the God in each of us, the light that we all have when our identity we have chosen has been stripped bare. To move through life with this little gem feels like such a gift to me. I am eternally thankful that I read that book at that time when I could take the meaning from it I needed to see deeper into each of us. It is profound to me.

My step is a little lighter today and though the huge celebration of the Summer has drawn to an end, this new place I am starting to move into feels much calmer and peaceful. I feel new meaning to life and appreciation is coming. More realness.

Happy Friday, friends.

Open heart, raw soul.

Robin Williams. The sting of his passing has struck a chord. For me it hits close to home because I have dealt with being bipolar for so long and the journey is daunting. So Robin Williams, a man who was courageous to open his soul of laughter to the world, this is for you.

Being as I am the open heart yogi it seems fitting that all aspects of my being should be open. This is a lesson in trust for me. A lesson and a vulnerable moment to connect to someone who has fallen to the depths of where so many of us have been. Some of us survive while others suffering cannot be bared any longer.

I speak honestly. Maybe I do not soften the blow, but my edges are well worn and sometimes I am lacking in that regard. I speak of love and light, joy and health, wellness of the mind and spirit, and yet those are the things that are pulled from my being without reason. This is an uncomfortable subject, but so many of us suffer in silence. I ask that you be gentle, be open, and see my truth. A friend tonight asked me how my soul was doing today. She is a true friend, genuine and selfless. My response was as follows: 

Raw. Finding thankfulness in pieces to keep my mind from straying. My Healing begins when the pendulum swings the other way and all the love and effort of a healthy mind are waiting for me. It's shattering when I can't trust myself. I can't be trusted because one moment I'm joy and health and strength...then I betray every part of that woman. It's like I'm laying on the beach one moment soaking in the sun, when suddenly I flash into being a pilot of an aircraft in a hurricane and have no ability to save myself. No experience, no memory...just confusion and doubt and seeing the bitterness of doom. I do not trust this woman. But she is the reason I can smile so big, and love so deeply..because she's lingering in wait and I need to savor the good times. Intense. I know.

My battle to love myself is here. I fail to trust openly, although I try earnestly. I find reasons to not trust others, to see why they should never be trusted...but when I do allow trust, it is bountiful. I am given these gifts that overflow my heart. But I cannot trust myself. It stems from within. I do not know this woman, she is a foreigner than I did not invite in. She is abusive and bitter. She is critical and loathsome. She is relentless in her ability to confuse me. I turn on the ones I love. My children. My husband. My family. Once again the beast appears. I can try to hide her all I want but she speaks louder than any other voices. Yesterday I reached out. To soften the blow I asked for someone to tell the mean girl to screw off. Once again as I trusted something in me to allow connection even when I feel shame, I am showered in love. Hope..openness to release and purge this burden. I am allowing myself to not be eaten alive.

Lucca. Lucca saved my life time and time again. He was my companion, my friend, my little fluffy white angel. Lucca was my dog. During some of the most painful times, times where I felt no want or desire to continue with this life..there was my little angel sitting in the seat next to me as I decided to either drive off the bridge or not. There he was keeping me here. We all have those souls in our lives that give us that reason to stick with the battle. It will be worthwhile. For me, in many cases, it was Lucca. I have many stories about Lucca, but this will be the only one for tonight.

Comfort is in comedy. When you allow the hurt and pain of the past and present to roll off your shoulders, you can be the funniest man on earth. 

RIP Robin Williams.