Have you ever wanted to be a model? And I want to move past the idea of someone who wears high end clothing and has their picture taken. That is a super cool job, in my opinion, however my desire to model has nothing to do with clothing.
When I was 15 years old I was strong, happy, mature for my age and also in the midst of watching my family fall apart. I was driven to be incredible, but hit with devastating bipolar issues. So in the blink of an eye I became the perfect victim. I was desperate for attention and understanding, I looked 25...I was 6' tall and unstable. I would do anything to escape what was happening to me and no doctor could help. It was then that the predators found me and took advantage of me. It wasn't the first time in my life...and certainly not the last. So 17 years later I am still in my mind making excuses for other peoples choices. I am still bottling up and justifying other peoples actions. I am still blaming myself. But it's a lie. Bad people did bad things to me because they saw my weakness and vulnerability.
And here we are in present day. My goal this year is to say FUCK to FEAR because fear has gripped me for so long and controlled so many parts of my life. It has caused me to feel insecure, overreact, judgmental, depressed, angry and so much more. I can see how it has effected most situations I walk into. I have a fear of being vulnerable. I have a need to help other people feel ok about making bad decisions because I would rather take the blame, as I have for so long, to make them more at ease. It's not intentional, it's just that I am finally seeing it for what it is. This time I am standing up for myself and owning my own choices and not taking on others choices.
After I completed yoga teacher training I grew much more whole as a person. I can reflect and respond with confidence. And seeing how I respond recently to being physically violated by a 'friend' and wanting to immediately justify their actions as ok....it caused me to back the fuck right out of my life again. Suddenly all I wanted to do was hide in my room, eat chocolate chips and binge watch shows about strong independent woman.
I got to chatting with my husband and came to really see what was happening. We discussed my life's purpose which is to give love and make those around me feel lighter and joyful. How can I maneuver in this way when I am being treated in a negative way? How can I truly be my joyful carefree being, open and vulnerable to life's experiences...and also deflect the negativity that comes about. Well that is an entire other lesson and protecting my energy and owning my space which I have spoken about it previous posts.
So how can I be a role model? I want to uplift people, I want to encourage people to be strong and confident in who they are. I think that's why I needed to write this post. I am writing it because I certainly will make people uncomfortable but I can't waste my life tiptoeing around others who don't like what I think and do. Thats for them to figure out. I will undoubtedly offend people no matter what I say or what I do, because that is how life works. But I can do it unapologetically knowing that I am speaking and living my truth. A great example would be, if you are a Christian, you will inherently piss someone off who does not believe in god. If you are a yogi you will inherently piss someone off who thinks its just a fad. There will always be haters. I just choose not to be one and rather response with compassion. I choose to say...be exactly who you are and live it to the fullest. Even if others cannot choke it down. I am not saying I do so without thoughtfulness. I prefer to move in none-violence and though I sometimes fail, it is a work and a practice. That is the yoga. The asana is just a small limb to the real discovery. And I am headed to New York to do major major asana and delve into the pit of my stomach that is screaming at me to let go. That is the role model I want to be. Right there. Inspiring others to give themselves the freedom to live the most uplifted authentic lives they can. And you will lose some people, because not everyone is ready for the real you, but they will make space for the right people who will help this incredible journey of life we are on.
I refuse to be the victim and I refuse to use weapons in response to the war. I believe that if we can all find ways to find our own peace with our journey, our own truce in the war within, that peace will take over the world. We can respond with love, there is always space to be kind. Always.