Monday, October 20, 2014

Cracked Open

When I decided to open my heart to become the Open Heart Yogi I knew it would involve a great deal of soul searching. To be fully open to pain and love and all that comes with truly allowing life inward. It was not until this past weekend that the full truth of this new version of me has really come to fruition.

During training this past weekend we did many exercises in opening up to trust and sharing. We were required to dig deep and be truthful with even ourselves. Now, I have read others speak about this moment. The moment where they are asked to divulge their inner most hidden pain. To be honest I thought it would be a cake walk. After all the therapy and soul searching I have done in my life, I thought I knew where my hurt lay. Until I was asked to write it down. One of our trainers said "You know that thing that you really do not want to write down, that your trying to avoid right now...thats the thing. Write it down."

In that moment I began to break down. The truth bubbled up into my heart and my throat until the tears began to fall in buckets. I took myself to a corner where I stared at my paper for at least 20 minutes. I knew what I needed to write, I just never wanted to put pen to paper. I wanted to keep that inside. But what is the point of opening my heart if when shit gets real all I do is close it up again.

I left the room. I took a moment to be a wreck and freak out and do whatever I needed to do. I went back in. I wrote it down.

Later on we were asked to stand in the center and share these words. I stood there for what felt like eternity. When the words finally came out it hurt so much to say them, but all the tears and love being poured around me from my yoga family made that moment bearable. I have no regrets, it needed to come out.

After class I was in despair. This stuff that comes up is just at the top of me, and I have no way to deal with it. I just see it. I feel heavy and burdened and sore. My eyes burn, my heart aching and my truth spoken into the universe. But what now?

Yesterday we arrived back in class. I have had the night to mull over this turmoil which kept me up all night. Getting up at 5:30am was somewhat of a relief because I could stop trying to sleep. As I made my way into class I knew it was a day I would need to face head on. This is heart chakra week. The middle of training, half way to the finish line. The time where I see how hard things are and begin to give up or stop trying. I doubt myself, my capability and I see myself as not worthy. Well, its half way and I am still standing.

Practice began. After the night of opening our souls, this practice seemed to be filled with hip and heart openers. This being the most raw I have felt in both centers it was difficult emotionally while I felt physically like goliath. I am so strong and capable. I can do this all. The things that seemed impossible a year ago are necessary to keep me moving through my breath. As we hit our edge, fully dripping with sweat and dead on the floor trying to regain control of our breath....we moved into something I will never forget. Our teacher asked us to put our block on the middle setting between our shoulder blades. Knees out wide and feet together. To let our chest open, head fall back and surrender. This is the most vulnerable position I can fathom. For me. I couldn't shelter my heart, not one inch. I couldn't fight to roll my shoulders in to protect me with a block spreading my chest bare. I couldn't hide from the truth and I couldn't ease the fall. I was cracked open. Flashes of my past I have never remembered before starting hitting me like thunder bolts. Images of the beautiful little girl free and happy....and suddenly overweight in a flash and becoming the comedian to cope. The stuff that I trapped so far down that no amount of thought could bring up was now forced out of my being where I had hidden it so my physical being. I stayed here, weeping uncontrollably and as the memories became too much I literally choked. I couldn't breath, I almost screamed in pain in the middle of this silent moment surrounded by yogis. I collapsed onto my side in fetal position shaking and heaving. Even after class ended and all the people had wandered away I just lay shaking in pain.

Eventually I mustered up the courage to wipe myself off the floor, my sacred mat that held me so safely through this moment. I packed up my bags, changed out of my wet clothes and left. I got into my truck without any certainty as to what to do next. I cant go home. I cant go back. I cant take this pain. And I checked my phone. It was my best friend. He had sent me a message right then. He said how beautiful fall is and its his favorite time of year. I wrote back....I agreed. I told him I was struggling without giving details. He told me we have both been through such shitty stuff...I could do this. I could go back and come out of this strong. I believed him.

I went back. Despite my anger and hate and sadness and I did it. I gave all I could to support my yoga family....I cant hold back that love from them. It filled me up. It brought out my joy. From the darkness I found the light. With my open heart I left that day happy.