It's been a long hiatus from my blogging but the last few weeks I have been getting the itch to write. It tends to be in the midst of struggle that I need a 'safe' place to discuss what is misleading my mind. I don't know that there is a wright or wrong place to discuss these sorts of issues but this seems to be the most appropriate way for me right now.
First of all I am brought here because of the courage of my friends. I have witnessed such candid responses to human struggles lately that I cannot help but feel a sense of freedom in knowing that speaking up connects us and frees us.
I keep coming to a place of full acceptance of myself and others. I enjoy a few weeks or months in this place with the ability to manage my energy, my emotions, my disrupts of harmony. But then the nasty girl shows up again. It's as if a stranger steps into my home and walks with muddy shoes on my currently clean floors. She eats all my food, doesn't clean up after herself and reminds me what a waste of time and existence I am. She is convincing. And suddenly here I am thinking ill of people I once thought so highly of. I am seeing anger and discontent rather than a sense of whole. I am torn apart once again. Right now I am that girl and I don't like her. I don't want to accept this ugly stranger into my home. So I do what I can to lift my vibrations. I go to yoga, I spend time with people who love and accept me. I run 9 miles just to show my previous self I can. I put on my fake smile and continue on with the grinding sensation of feeling worthless. What good is a person who drags down the world with discontent and disharmony.
But. Who am I not to crawl out of this darkness and love the light and the dark, the ying and the yang. Why is this girl so evil. I suppose it's because I have accepted that I do not accept her. And that is what needs to change.
My friend shared this incredible post today about coming from a place of gratitude. I try to do this but for some reason this article really hit a spot for me. I have been looking outside myself to feel worthwhile and appreciated and yet here I am having no appreciation for the kickass person I have worked 32 years to be.
To my friends who live life with this sense of dis-ease I want you to know you are not alone. You are whole. You are loved and complete and worthwhile. You shine even when you are in the shadows and this feeling will pass. Practice gratitude, breathe, move and surround yourself with unconditional love. Maybe it won't fix the feeling today but maybe bit by bit you will feel strength in knowing we are where we need to be. We get strong by being challenged. Finding a way to live in grace and ease in the midst of dismay is a lifelong practice. So here is your chance.
Today I am having a warm fuzzy party with my children. This is a celebration of kindness.