Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Open heart, raw soul.

Robin Williams. The sting of his passing has struck a chord. For me it hits close to home because I have dealt with being bipolar for so long and the journey is daunting. So Robin Williams, a man who was courageous to open his soul of laughter to the world, this is for you.

Being as I am the open heart yogi it seems fitting that all aspects of my being should be open. This is a lesson in trust for me. A lesson and a vulnerable moment to connect to someone who has fallen to the depths of where so many of us have been. Some of us survive while others suffering cannot be bared any longer.

I speak honestly. Maybe I do not soften the blow, but my edges are well worn and sometimes I am lacking in that regard. I speak of love and light, joy and health, wellness of the mind and spirit, and yet those are the things that are pulled from my being without reason. This is an uncomfortable subject, but so many of us suffer in silence. I ask that you be gentle, be open, and see my truth. A friend tonight asked me how my soul was doing today. She is a true friend, genuine and selfless. My response was as follows: 

Raw. Finding thankfulness in pieces to keep my mind from straying. My Healing begins when the pendulum swings the other way and all the love and effort of a healthy mind are waiting for me. It's shattering when I can't trust myself. I can't be trusted because one moment I'm joy and health and strength...then I betray every part of that woman. It's like I'm laying on the beach one moment soaking in the sun, when suddenly I flash into being a pilot of an aircraft in a hurricane and have no ability to save myself. No experience, no memory...just confusion and doubt and seeing the bitterness of doom. I do not trust this woman. But she is the reason I can smile so big, and love so deeply..because she's lingering in wait and I need to savor the good times. Intense. I know.

My battle to love myself is here. I fail to trust openly, although I try earnestly. I find reasons to not trust others, to see why they should never be trusted...but when I do allow trust, it is bountiful. I am given these gifts that overflow my heart. But I cannot trust myself. It stems from within. I do not know this woman, she is a foreigner than I did not invite in. She is abusive and bitter. She is critical and loathsome. She is relentless in her ability to confuse me. I turn on the ones I love. My children. My husband. My family. Once again the beast appears. I can try to hide her all I want but she speaks louder than any other voices. Yesterday I reached out. To soften the blow I asked for someone to tell the mean girl to screw off. Once again as I trusted something in me to allow connection even when I feel shame, I am showered in love. Hope..openness to release and purge this burden. I am allowing myself to not be eaten alive.

Lucca. Lucca saved my life time and time again. He was my companion, my friend, my little fluffy white angel. Lucca was my dog. During some of the most painful times, times where I felt no want or desire to continue with this life..there was my little angel sitting in the seat next to me as I decided to either drive off the bridge or not. There he was keeping me here. We all have those souls in our lives that give us that reason to stick with the battle. It will be worthwhile. For me, in many cases, it was Lucca. I have many stories about Lucca, but this will be the only one for tonight.

Comfort is in comedy. When you allow the hurt and pain of the past and present to roll off your shoulders, you can be the funniest man on earth. 

RIP Robin Williams. 

1 comment:

  1. I see you....I see past the moment. I wish I could carry your pain and alas, I cannot, although not for lack of wanting to. I love you & cherish you...unconditionally.

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